Purportedly Useful Advice

Yesterday a lot of significant (significance is relative) events occurred that revolved around alcohol.

I went to my bar (I have no idea why I italicize it either, but I’ll stop now due to the extra effort it takes) at about 530 for dinner and a few drinks. This is my usual routine. I go there because it’s not like other bars. The other patrons are not like other bar patrons. I also seem to have developed some manner of a homocrush on one of the waitresses (but this is mainly irrelevant to this story).

It’s non-smoking, there’s no loud music, it’s frequented by an older crowd that doesn’t get loud and do normal bar crap that I find trivial and bothersome.

I like to sit in a corner and dick around on the internet while eating a salad and drinking a beer.

Anywho, yesterday three middle-aged men were entering as I was, going up the stairs hella slow and generally being in my way. They got to the top of the stairs and just stopped, which is one of the most annoying things in the world, as it resulted in me standing on the stairs aimlessly.

I heard the waitress say the customary, “You can have a seat wherever you want.”

They continued to stand there and look around stupidly. I pushed my way past and walked toward my normal seat. The bartender announced my existence and that I was sitting in my normal seat. Then these idiot men came and sat at a table near me, which was unnecessary because we were the only people in there and they could have sat anywhere they wanted, but choose to sit near me for some ungodly reason (this is another of my pet peeves that stems from my misanthropy).

These men. These adult men, ended up being rude, loud assholes at 530 in the afternoon. Exactly the type of people that I go to this bar to avoid. They harassed my waitress, which may as well be a mortal sin. She was so aggravated and distressed, she had the bartender cut them off after one round of drinks, then they began shouting about discrimination and demanding to speak with the manager, then they of course left her an awful tip.

While this was happening I got horrible service because every time she’d walk toward me they’d shout something ridiculous at her, resulting in her returning to their table. She kept giving me the “oh my God, I am so unhappy, but please do not say anything to them or I will kill you” look. She also dropped a note on my table apologizing and promising to bring me some food as soon as she handled these guys, so I sat in my corner and fiddled on my computer patiently. I am known to confront other customers that taint my experiences at this bar, which generally creates a scene and results in my being reprimanded by all of the employees. I resisted these urges, and proceeded to later leave a 130% tip to compensate for the dickheads’. She will certainly shout at me for this tip when I go in today.

I’m really glad I’m not an asshole. Even when I’m mind-blowingly intoxicated I’m still not like that. I can be absurd, but I am still incredibly nice and polite, until provoked by others’ rudeness. Had I had more to drink those men would have certainly gotten hell from me. I’m also really glad I got my stimulus check in the mail on Saturday.

Moral: Don’t be an asshole.

I hung out for a few hours and made pathetic attempts to cheer up my waitress, then I went over to my friend, Manly Rugby Player’s apartment. I told him about the fiasco, and he was all, “They’re lucky I wasn’t there! I would have kicked their asses!”

We were sitting around watching Home Movies (the show, not actual home movies), and someone knocks on the door. He gets it and a random drunk girl stumbles in shouting, “Let’s play the game of finding my key before my parents get up the stairs!”

Manly Rugby Player says, “This is my neighbor…”

We look for her keys, but we don’t find them before her parents get up the stairs, and they encourage us to keep her, and say they don’t want her anymore.

To make a long story short, we end up invited inside her apartment where we chatted with her parents, played with her Pekinese, drank free beer from Wisconsin, and I got my boobs fondled while being accused of being Manly Rugby Player’s girlfriend, neighbor-girl couldn’t remember my name and just kept calling me whatever popped into her head, then I was given a water, a root beer, and a bag of homemade sausages and sent on my way.

Moral: I am not the only person in the world who can be senselessly drunk and not an asshole.

The real moral (and this is a real moral): Don’t use alcohol as a crutch to be a jackass.

I feel as if Hemingway said something along the lines of…”Don’t do anything drunk that you wouldn’t do sober.”

I might be making that last bit up, but no less…

Amen, brother.

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