Purportedly Useful Advice

I presently have a collection of men pursuing me. A normal girl would be excited about this, but I am becoming increasingly disgruntled. They are not put off by my moving to Chicago in a month because I’m apparently so amazing they are willing to do long-distance relationships?

But, you see, I don’t even do close-distance relationships. I have an aversion to relationships, monogamy, and any sort of commitment in general. Additionally, I have no interest in men, particularly these men.

I’ve told them this, but it doesn’t seem to register because they aren’t the most clever fellows I’ve encountered.I was nice to all of them at first, which was my bad. I’m nice to everyone at first until I decide whether or not I enjoy their existence or not (and 90% of the time I don’t, which is why I only have a select handful of people that I communicate with on a normal basis). I ceased being nice to all of these men. I ignore them, avoid them, work on other things while they talk to me and just nod on occasion - I’m horrible, seriously. They seem to interpret this as me playing hard to get, and they just persist.

I’m not even that cute, so I don’t understand. I have no redeeming qualities on display in these situations.

I’ve contemplated alerting them all to the existence of the others, but I fear that would just incite some manner of absurd competition, which they would expect me to be the judge of, and I really don’t want to engage in such an activity.

Bar Guy: I met him at a bar that I vowed never to go to again then proceeded to forget why I made said vow and went again. Oops. The reason I made the vow was because I am a magnet for sketchy boys, and this bar is filled with particularly sketchy boys - I somehow pushed this from my memory. This gentleman bought me several beers, despite the fact that I told him I was not worth even the cheapest beer in the place. I became annoyed because he kept asking for my number. I tried to explain that buying me beers does not equate me doing anything of that sort.

I left and went to the bar that I frequent alone on a normal basis, my bar, because I love the waitstaff. He followed me. I went in for safety because I apparently see my bar as some sort of sanctuary. I tried to indicate to the bartender to save me from this dude. She didn’t seem to understand what I was trying to communicate and told me they wanted to close and tossed me out, even after I offered to help clean up for free. I agreed to take Bar Guy back to the bar where I found him, and he didn’t want to get out of my car.

This situation could have ended in disaster, I know.

He said he’d go after he got my number. I gave him my number, and I couldn’t lie about it like I love to do because he insisted upon calling it so that I could save him in my phone also. He was quite the delusional fellow, and convinced I was his soulmate. He pretended to like Tori Amos to impress me.

I have ignored all of his subsequent calls, never returned a single one, and re-made my vow to avoid that bar.

He still calls. This was over a month ago. HALP!!1!!!11

Dude Mistaking Me For Another Chick (DMMFAC, for short): Several years ago, during my freshmen year of college, I had a friend in a class that would sign me in on the attendance sheet whenever I didn’t go (essentially everyday). Sometimes she would demand that I attend class and sign her in, so that she could skip, in return. She would alert me of this via IM. One day she IMed me from her boyfriend’s screenname to tell me she wasn’t going to class. After this encounter I deleted him from my buddy list. Why would I not have?

Two weeks ago I received an IM from someone not on my buddy list. The person seemed to know me, so I played along and said vague things to not give away that I had no idea who I was talking to. I searched for the screenname in Facebook (what a handy tool!) and discovered that it was this old, old friend’s (now) ex-boyfriend. He seemed nice enough, so I continued chatting since I had established his identity. We exchanged numbers, and I agreed to hang out. I have no problem with hanging out. I like new friends.

After about an hour I confessed my crime, and we had a good chuckle.

But then he went on to say something along the lines of, “Yeah. I figured you didn’t know who I was because you were giving me short answers. I thought about mentioning Devon to give you a hint.”This is when I realized something was terribly awry. I don’t know anyone named Devon. Not a single person. Uh oh! I had obviously been mistaken for someone else! Rather than embarrassing him, I went along with it, and assumed he’d figure it out when he called my phone (I planned to ignore him and send him to my voicemail to remedy this). I thought he would feel ridiculous then and leave me be.

He has IMed me several more times, and continues to call me, and text me, and now…now he hits on me, although I have ceased to communicate.

The Marine: I must begin by saying that I am essentially a pacifist and I do not support the War in Iraq. Sure, I support the troops because they’re people, and I support people, but I do not support their activities or career choice. Being a marine does not make you sexy. Also, they have bad haircuts, and I have been hit on by entirely too many of them in my lifetime. Every single one of them has attempted to get into my pants by insisting that it is service to the country. This, my friends, gets old and is annoying.

This marine wasn’t like that. He was polite, but still extremely persistent. I couldn’t go anywhere and escape him (like to safety at my bar) because I was at work and trapped behind the reception desk at this silly hotel that I work at. He offered to buy me dinner, and under normal circumstances I enjoy free food, but due to my run-ins with the two previously mentioned guys, who have turned out to be neurotic, I shied away. I also didn’t want to lead him on because he seemed pretty genuine, and I had zero interest in him.

But we exchanged numbers, it was the most I could do after he spent hours and hours talking to me when he could have been sleeping and picking up chicks that like dudes. He told me he was really intrigued by my bitchiness. He’s apparently one of those new-age men, who like extremely dominant women or something, which is cool! But yeah…I just want to be left alone.

Socially Awkward Dude: Finally, the best one of all. Socially Awkward Dude took me on a date and then made me pay for myself, do I need to say more?

Yes.God is smiting me for using boys to get free meals and things. After turning down the Marine, I realized I wanted free stuff. Socially Awkward Dude is a cook at my bar, and is incidentally the owner’s son. Woe is me. My haven has become a den of terror. I duck and hide behind people and objects when I see him, and I have the other staff members warn me when he comes from the kitchen.

It’s my fault. In a moment of nothing short of malevolence, I decided to lead him on because I was low on cash. I wanted free things, that is all, but then…then I had to pay for myself! Avast!

And he still will not just stop bugging me to go out with him again.

~~~~~

So what am I planning to do?

I’m telling them all that I have herpes.

I actually do not, but I do have two convenient cold sores at the moment.

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